


Feel it calling you home

by dasyuridae



Category: Blaseball (Video Game)
Genre: Hellmouth Sunbeams (Blaseball Team), Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28472163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dasyuridae/pseuds/dasyuridae
Summary: A series of short Blaseball fics, centered around the Hellmouth Sunbeams!
Relationships: Hahn Fox/Priya Fox, Igneus Delacruz & Miguel James
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8
Collections: Stare Into The Sun





	1. Precognition (Nagomi, Randy, Emmett)

**Author's Note:**

> This is mainly just a way to store all of my little Blaseball snippets in one place! Some of them are a bit older, so lore may have changed a bit since I wrote them but hey, thats blaseball for ya. Which characters are involved are in the chapter titles - thanks for reading <3
> 
> Title is from, of course, the Tug by amadis (if you're reading sunbeams fic and you haven't listened to the tug yet you really should go do that).

Nagomi, Emmett, and Randy talked a lot about what they had seen, in the early days. Whether they should change it. Whether they  _ could  _ change it. So many nights in Randy’s apartment, weed smoke curling around them, one or maybe twenty cats curling around their legs, Emmett’s screen flickering with visions of a giant peanut, a squid, players with ash leaking from their crumbling bodies, dodging birds and flickering.    
“You can’t change the future.” Randy would murmur, running his fingers through a cat’s long fur. “You can only prepare for it.”   
  
So that’s what they decided, eventually. They would prepare for it. Make sure that, when the time came, they would all be ready. That meant they needed to be there. That was a whole other discussion of course, more late nights in Randy’s apartment, Nagomi’s passenger making the lights flicker. Thinking about who could lead a new team against a vengeful god, who could stay behind and hold the Sunbeams together without their stars. Who could handle not having the other two there with them, not having anyone else who  _ knew _ . Sometimes they shouted, sometimes they screamed. They’d seen the fight, but they hadn’t seen the ending. They didn’t know if they would make it, and none of them wanted to be the one who left their friends to their fate. What decided it, in the end, was Nagomi’s passenger. No matter what happened, she wouldn’t be truly alone. And just like that, they condemned Randy and Emmett to death.

Even with all of their planning, all of their secret discussions, losing Emmett was a surprise. It didn’t feel real, staring at the place where he had been. Seeing the horror in the other player’s faces, the screams from the stands, and just wanting to scream at them all that they didn’t understand, they couldn’t understand, that it was both fine and so, so, not okay. Wondering whether they had gotten it wrong. Not being able to talk to Emmett, to laugh as he played stupid videos for them, it was a deep hurt. But they couldn’t go back now, couldn’t let his death be for nothing. Nagomi and Randy squeezed each other’s hand, taking comfort in their shared knowledge. That night, both dreamed of Emmett, telling dead players where they were and what was going on, bringing a team who were confused and lost together. 

Randy knew he had to go to the Jazz Hands, could see that it was his best chance of joining Emmett. Not being together in that final moment was hard enough, Nagomi wished she had been there, to say a last goodbye, to tuck a first peanut tribute into his pocket. It’s harder afterwards, holding a sobbing Alaynabella, not able to just  _ tell her _ . Tell her that it wasn’t for nothing, that maybe they’d see each other again. Terrified of what they would all say if they knew Nagomi had known, known and done nothing. Slim comfort, but a comfort nonetheless, when a tentacle from her passenger wrapped around her eyes, pulling her into a dark and blissful sleep. In her dreams she saw Randy hitting dingers, ball flying through flickering air. 

When she saw Dominic Marijuana walking across the field towards her, hands stuffed in his pockets, head down, Nagomi almost turned and ran. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t Randy, she wasn’t Emmett, she wasn’t  _ good  _ with people. She couldn’t look Dom in the eyes, knowing that she hadn’t been able to figure out a way to save them. Before she could decide to run, before she could try to hide, Dominic was standing in front of her, chin covered in stubble and eyes puffy with lack of sleep.   
“Nagomi. He knew, didn’t he? He had to know.” His voice was gravelly and thick, the suggestion of a few nights spent crying.   
She had had enough. She couldn’t lie to anyone else, couldn’t comfort them quietly knowing everything she knew. “Yeah. He did.”   
Dom cocked his head to one side, making direct eye contact. Not many people could do that. “Why, then? Why not avoid it?”   
And she told him. She told him everything. The dreams, the squid, the dead players, everything they had seen and talked about and theorised. It was a sadistic pleasure, taking the sick knot of knowledge in her stomach and unloading it on someone else. Watching his face crumble, his hands shake as he pulled out a cigarette. He didn’t say anything when she’d finished, just pulled her into a tight hug and stomped away. In that moment, even without seeing the future, she knew. It wasn’t a surprise when he threw himself in front of Jaylen’s pitch, and even less of a surprise when she dreamed of him hitting a home run - throwing all of his love for his brother into that hit as ash crumbled from his hands.

Then it was just Nagomi. She didn’t talk to the Jazz Hands players when she heard they’d gained precognition, she couldn’t bear it. Just her. Just her and the rest of the Sunbeams, but they couldn’t know. They would hate her, wouldn’t they? For letting their friends die, for not fighting to save them. For staying back to hold the team together, when she couldn’t even do that. She was crumbling, constantly, held together by the shadowy tendrils of her passenger, waiting until the day she’d see Emmett and Randy again, if it ever came. And scared, always scared. Nagomi Nava knew the future and god, it terrified her.


	2. Season 11, Day 120 (Lars)

Lars sometimes liked to make the trek up to the Shadow Moabbey by himself. Just the heat of the sun, the crunch of gravel under his feet, the heaving groan of the Hellmouth in the distance. He would sit on the ground, deep breathing like a meditation, looking at the skull embedded deep in the ground, and think about gods. Long gone, long dead, all powerful. Beings who ruled the world and then faded to obscurity, leaving only bones and the imprints of their power. How did it feel, to think yourself immortal? In the end, we were all dust or bone, buried somewhere unmarked. Did it matter? Did it matter that it wouldn't last, if you could taste that power for just a moment? 

He was used to feeling powerless. Fumbling pitches, missing throws. Lars didn't mind, not with his team around him, but sometimes he wished he could know. Know how it felt, to feel on top of the world for just a second. So when he stepped up to the mound in the finals, facing down the Garages' batters, he thought of the god whose skull was buried in the Shadow Moabbey. This wouldn't matter, years in the future. They couldn't know what would happen, it might not even matter tomorrow. It didn't mean he couldn't fight for it. 9 innings later, black hole pulsing in the sky above him, his teammates streaming towards him yelling in delight, he knew he was right. Nothing mattered beyond this moment. No matter what happened to the Sunbeams, no matter what happened to him. He'd been here. They'd played this game. And they'd won.


	3. Hanged Man

_ The Hanged Man shows a man suspended from a T-shaped cross made of living wood.  _

_ He is hanging upside-down, viewing the world from a completely different perspective, and his facial expression is calm and serene, suggesting that he is in this hanging position by his own choice.  _

Don't come to the Hellmouth. It doesn't want you here. Turn around. Turn around before it is too late. 

The signs along the road to Hellmouth are stark and frightening, whipping past cars in the dim light. Warnings left by a being who can’t promise your safety if you ignore them. It can’t promise that you will be the same, ever again. For those who choose to ignore the signs, to against their better judgement set up a life in the Hellmouth, there are a few promises it does keep. 

Adaptation. You belong here. 

The Tug. You will always have a home.

You will find people you love here, people who are as strange and otherworldly as yourself. You will choose to walk through Hell together, and you will find that it isn’t so bad after all. 

_ He has a halo around his head, symbolising new insight, awareness and enlightenment.  _

The sun is always watching, always guiding. It is a small comfort, but a constant one, to know that wherever you are the sun will follow. When Sun 1 leaves, Sun 2 takes its place. A new god, a new smiling face with a new meaning. None of them knew what it meant. They didn’t even know how they should feel about it. But they knew that nothing would be the same.

_ The Hanged Man is the card of ultimate surrender,  _

Three Sunbeams batters gained precognition. Three players who could see the future, who knew what was coming for them. Two who threw themselves into death to save their friends. One who let herself be left behind. Three players who knew that in facing down the pull of fate, there is nothing you can do but surrender.

_ of being suspended in time _

Play ball. Sandoval knows each of their opponent’s home stadiums almost as well as they know their own small apartment. Play ball. Igneus suffers an allergic reaction, is weakened far beyond what he’s used to. The next day, he picks up a bat and gets back to work. Play ball. The Sunbeams watch their friends incinerated, crumbling to ash before their eyes. Play ball. They watch as their coach, their mentor, their god, is swallowed by a black hole, carved into the fabric of the sky. Sun 2 rises. Play ball. Throw a pitch. Play ball. Swing your bat. Play ball. Steal bases. Play ball. Play ball. Play ball. Play ball. Play ball. 

_ and of martyrdom and sacrifice to the greater good. _

The Sunbeams. A team cobbled together from mismatched outcasts, a team who had clawed their way to the top of the league under the harsh light of a god they couldn’t recognise. The Tigers. A team risen from Hell itself, a looming presence over the league, not able to look back but terrified of what came ahead. A game on which so much more rested than a title. A friendship, a team, the threat of what lay unknown above them. There was nothing they could do except what they always did. They had to play like Hell.


	4. Stargazing (Sandy, Lars, Dudley)

Sandy liked to keep an eye out for Lars and Dudley. Both of them were... new. Strange, confused by things that shouldn't have been confusing, easily overwhelmed. So she kept an eye out for them, but also found herself enjoying their company more and more. Being around them, seeing things from their perspective - it was fun. So they'd started a tradition, sort of, where during away games the three of them would go somewhere new in the place they were playing. Sandy still remembered that game against the Crabs in Season 1, the look on Lars' face when he had seen the sea for the first time, how more and more hands had appeared like a halo around his head for him to plunge them into the cool water. That was the moment Sandy had decided fuck it, he was going to show this kid the world. 

On the other hand, Sandy had been nervous around Dudley for quite a while. It was too easy for them to find themselves staring at it, grasping for any hint of Rhys, seeing a flake of ash in a bubble and wincing at the reminder. Then a few seasons passed, and gradually Dudley became just Dudley, its own thing, and Sandy began to appreciate its company. Noticed how it could sit for hours staring at a column of ants winding their way across the ground, how carefully it would help Eugenia in her greenhouse. So she started taking Dudley places she thought it would like, lookout points and vistas and the beach, where it could sit and watch and enjoy the view. She enjoyed sitting next to it, listening to its bubbling, just thinking. There was never any pressure with Dudley.

"Field trip you two?"

Lars looked up at Sandy and grinned, signing their agreement. Besides them Dudley stopped its bumpy knitting, making a soft burble Sandy had come to understand as a yes. She waved them both up and out of the room, pointing wordlessly at the coats hanging from the rack inside Sigmund. Once they had bundled up, scarves wrapped tightly around them and mittens on, the three of them walked outside into the snow. They were in Breckenridge for a game against the Jazz Hands, and the cold was an unusual change from the constant heat in Hellmouth. Dudley had even been getting a bit icy if it didn't put on something warm. It had snowed that morning but the sky was clear now, the afternoon just turning into evening as the sun slowly began to sink. Their bus was sitting outside - Sandy had checked noone else wanted to use it and kept it for just the three of them. As much as they loved the other Beams, they didn't want this trip to be full of antics or their familial squabbling. This was for Lars and Dudley. He drove them through Breckenridge and out onto the highway, occasionally narrating the various sights flying past them. Lars had his face pressed up to the window, his breath fogging up the glass, one of his hands occasionally reaching across and wiping it away. The sun slowly set, sending streaks of pink and purple across the sky, and when the van pulled to a stop it was dark. 

"We're getting out?" signed Lars. 

"Yep, we're here!" said Sandy, smiling and grabbing a blanket from the van and getting out. They were on top of a hill, by a small lookout point, a patch of grass and trees, barely visible in the dark. She laid out the blanket and patted it, waiting for the others to sit down before lying back. 

"Look up. It's a clear night, the stars are beautiful from here." 

They were, bright and twinkling, as crisp as the cold night air. Sandy knew Lars loved the stars, and he grinned when he heard their small gasp, and Dudley's excited gurgle. For a while they just lay there quietly, watching for nothing in particular. Sandy glanced quickly at his watch, and almost as soon as he checked the first meteor flew above them. The faint glow of Lars' arms meant Sandy could see him signing excitedly, something she couldn't understand, his eye flickering, mirroring the flight of the meteors. Dudley was lying quietly, bubbles swirling inside of him, almost luminescent with the reflected glow of the stars. Satisfied that they were happy, Sandy lay back and closed his eyes, watching the light of his sun play against his eyelid. The meteors were beautiful, and he was glad to share them with these two, but he had his own star to gaze over. 

Sandy didn't notice when they fell asleep, only when they woke up in the weak light of the morning sun. Beside them, Lars and Dudley were curled together, still sleeping. Sandy smiled, looking over to where the sun was beginning its journey across the sky. 

"I'll keep an eye on these two for you, yeah?" 

There was no reply, just the faint noise of the wind in the trees behind them, and Sandy laughed, beginning to shake Lars and Dudley awake. She prided herself on looking out for all of her Beams, and so she was happy she could do this for these two. Share a bit of the world with them, help them orient themselves within it. After all, she was still working on that herself.


	5. Iceskating (Iggy, Nerd, Sutton)

Iggy wasn't sure how they'd found themself here. Well, that wasn't quite right - they knew exactly how they'd found themself here, it was just very strange. That morning Nerd had stumbled into Siggy's kitchen, muttering something about a frozen over pool in the desert, and their plans to go and investigate it. It had all been so much scientific mumbo-jumbo to Iggy, but his mind had gone instantly to the pair of ice skates he'd once found in his garage, that must have belonged to his alt, which looked like they hadn't been used since the opening of the Hellmouth. He'd asked if he could go along with Nerd, and it was nighttime in England, so Sandy has asked them to take Sutton to keep it occupied. So now here they were, the three of them, Iggy with Sutton tucked under their arm and Nerd with a large bag full of instruments, wandering their way into the desert. The pool appeared in front of them like a mirage, a shimmering white expanse, strange waves of cold coming off of it in the Hellmouth sun. It looked like thick ice, with no sign of what lay beneath it. While Nerd excitedly pulled out their instruments, Iggy slipped into his ice skates, testing the surface of the ice and seeing the satisfying slide of his skate across it. Beside him, Sutton pecked curiously at the surface, honking faintly.

"Be careful Iggy." said Nerd, peering up at them through their monocle. "I have no idea what's under this layer of ice." 

Iggy just grinned, pushing off lazily and doing a few slow swerves, ice hissing beneath his feet. "Being careful is lame, Nerd - we'll be fine!" 

It had been years since he had skated, but it all came back to him quickly, turning and jumping and weaving his way across the ice. Sutton was trying to walk across the ice but its tentacles kept sticking, so Iggy spent a fruitful few minutes skating tighter and tighter loops around it, to the noise of its frustrated honks and Nerd's laughter. Iggy knew he was an impressive skater, and he was enjoying feeling Nerd watching him. Not that he had anything to prove, of course, but it was always nice to show his teammates what he could do.

"Iggy!" called Nerd. 

"Yeah?" Iggy skated over and slid to a dramatic stop in front of them. "What's up?" 

"Um. Do you think I could have a go? Skating, I mean. It's okay if not! I just- it looks fun. And I've never tried it." 

Iggy grinned, turning and sitting down on the ground next to them, starting to unlace his skates. "Of course dude! You've got pretty big feet but they should fit you, might be a bit of a squeeze." 

Nerd took the skates happily and managed to pull them on, grabbing onto Iggy's hand as they stood up with a wobble. "So I just go? Like walking?" 

"Kinda like walking, yeah you just-" 

Iggy was interrupted by a hideous noise from Sutton, who was crouched in the middle of the lake. It had made one of its tentacles into a point, and as they watched it stuck it into the ice and began rotating it like a drill, ice chips flying all around. 

"That's fine, right?" 

Nerd shrugged. "Yeah I mean. Probably." 

"Cool. Anyway, it's like walking but you sort of push your feet out to the side a bit? And lift them up like you're a horse." 

"Like I'm a horse." 

"Exactly." 

Nerd looked confused, but pushed and slid forward slightly, still holding on tight to Iggy's hand.

"Oh! Okay I kind of- I kind of get it." 

"Yeah? That's great cause I'm about to lose feeling in my fingers." 

Nerd quickly let go, smiling apologetically. "Sorry! I'll see if I can do it without." 

They pushed forward again, heading towards Sutton who was still drilling a hole into the ice, making satisfied honking noises. Nerd was wobbly but they seemed to be getting it, picking up speed and laughing slightly to themself. As Iggy watched, Sutton looked up and with a small honk, laid a single tentacle across Nerd's path. There was a thump, and a cry from Nerd, and then they went flying, landing on the ice with a crack. There was a small, loaded pause, and then a shudder ran through the surface of the ice, and the hole Sutton had been industriously drilling began to crack. They spiderwebbed out beneath Nerd, who was still lying prone, winded from their fall.

"Nerd!" shouted Iggy. "Nerd! Get the fuck up, I think it's breaking!" 

Groaning, Nerd rolled over, starting to stumble to their feet, but the ice was already beginning to splinter, throwing them off balance. 

"Move!"

"I am!" shouted Nerd, wobbling their way across the ice. Beside them, Sutton flew up with a honk, flapping its way over to dry land. There were a few more sharp cracks and Iggy started to see dark, almost black water beneath the surface, lapping its way through the spidery cracks. Nerd was struggling to get over the new bumps created by the cracking, almost falling multiple times. They got closer and closer, until Iggy was able to grab their arm and haul them to safety, both of them panting. Nerd collapsed onto the sand, and they both watched as the ice continued to splinter. There was more water visible now, and with a shudder Iggy saw something long and sinuous slide beneath the ice, something that could have been a trick of the light, or could have been something much more sinister. 

Nerd sat up gingerly, wincing at the sight of the pool.

"I'm never taking Sutton on another fucking science trip ever again." 

Iggy grinned, holding out his hand to help them up. "Hey look at it this way - what would you prefer, this or hot Sutton?" 

Nerd paled visibly. "Don't even- oh my god. You know how I feel about that abomination." 

"See, could be worse!" Iggy laughed, starting walking back across the desert, towards Hellmouth. "Wanna go grab a smoothie?" 

Sutton honked loudly, and the three of them trudged their way across the sand, a fin surfacing gently in the water behind them. 


	6. I got you (Miguel, Iggy)

The knock on Iggy's door is soft, so soft he almost misses it, looking up from the book he was half reading. 

"Come in." 

The door creaks gently as it opens, and Iggy hears the crackle of flames before Miguel's head pokes around the door.

"Iggy." she says, in a way that he knows, and he's standing and grabbing his car keys before she has finished her next sentence. "I think I need to go commit arson."

"Of course." Iggy says, and they smile. "Let's go." 

There aren't many cars in the Hellmouth, and Iggy's has always stood out. Bright pink, emblazoned with the Barbie logo, a top that rolls back. It's their pride and joy. Miguel slips into the passenger seat easily, a routine they've followed a million times over. Iggy sits down behind the wheel, pushing the seat back to give their legs room. Again, a routine. Their friendship is made of small moments like these. Comfortable, unspoken, well lived in. 

"Where do you feel like lighting on fire tonight?" 

Miguel sighs. "Somewhere that really deserves it." 

"Didn't you stub your toe on a rock on that hill the other day? The one with the big tree that looks like a thumbs up." 

"Oh! Yeah." A short, harsh laugh. "Let's go burn that bitch down."

With a twist of the keys the car starts and pulls out with a rumble. Behind them, Siggy's lights retreat into the distance.

They drive in silence for a while. Theirs is the only car on the road, alone under the light of the stars and the street lamps, which are few and far between, whipping past them. Hellmouth is never busy at night. Iggy rolls the roof of the car down and the wind makes their flames crackle and pop, sparks flickering away and vanishing into the night sky. Miguel watches them with a frown. Sometimes he reaches out as if to grab one, but they slip from his grasp, vanishing in a moment. 

"You want to talk about it?" asks Iggy after a while. The road is so loud under the wheels, the humming of the asphalt. 

"Not really." 

"Cool." 

The car fades back to silence, a single loud crunch from the Hellmouth echoing through the night. More minutes of comfortable silence, and then Miguel starts to speak softly. 

"It's just fucked, isn't it. I couldn't- I looked in the mirror and I couldn't remember what colour my eyes used to be. Isn't that ridiculous? I just stared. Trying to look through the flames and see them." She shuffles in her seat, tugging at a stray thread on her cuff. "I think they were brown, but then a part of my brain says they weren't. I don't mind this all now, I'm used to it and I'm able to control it and I don't burn things nearly as much as I used to. But something was taken from me. Something was taken and there's no way I could get it back." 

The car turns onto a new road, and the hum turns to the crunching of gravel.

"Does it matter what colour your eyes were?" 

"No. Yes." Miguel twists, lying back to look up at the sky. "I don't know. Do you think it does?" 

"Not a fucking bit. I've told you about the Miguel I knew, yeah? How- well. We weren't the closest of friends. And then I met you and I thought, shit! This person is incredible, I want to hang out with them forever. Don't let that go to your head." 

Miguel laughs, flames flickering out around her mouth. "I won't." 

"I'd feel that way even if you were a frog person. Or covered in poison. Or if you were prettier than me. I know it's not about what you look like. I know it's about losing something, no matter what it was you lost. But you didn't lose the shit that really matters, hm?" 

There's silence again. Miguel pops and crackles, her fingers dancing over the top of the rolled down window. "You got me." she says, and Iggy smiles. 

"I got you. You got me?" 

Miguel pokes out her tongue. "Yeah, I got you." There's a few seconds while she rustles through the pile of cds in the glovebox and then she holds one up, smiling. "Shania Twain got us." 

"Oh, Shania Twain fucking got us!" 

They're still singing when the car rolls to a halt at the top of the hill, looking out over Hellmouth.

"You ready to burn this down?" asks Iggy.

Miguel shakes his head gently. "Nah. I feel better now, it can live another day. Can I nap in the car while we drive home?" 

Iggy turns and digs out his favourite fireproof blanket from the back, laughing. "Of course. If you pretend to be asleep when we get home I'll even carry you to your room." 

Miguel gasps in shock horror but takes the blanket, curling up under it and leaning their head against the window. Iggy drives home slowly, humming under their breath, occasionally glancing over at Miguel to check they're sleeping. It's a drive they've done before, like this, and it always makes them happy that Miguel chooses to come to them. That they can do this stupid ritual that always makes her feel better. That he can do something, for someone. When the car pulls up, back at Sigmund, Miguel is still asleep, so Iggy picks him up carefully and carries him to his room, tucking him under his Mario blanket. If Miguel's breathing is a little too shallow, if Iggy catches him glancing from underneath his eyelids, they don't say anything. Instead, they just turn the light off and slip out the door, whispering as they go.

"I got you Miguel. See you tomorrow." 

The response comes quickly and quietly.

"I got you too."


	7. She's my rediscovery (Hahn, Priya)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title for this one comes from She Knows by Hollie Col - it's a really cute gay song I'd recommend a listen

The first time Priya saw Hahn again after college was on the news.    
“New signing for the Miami Dale! Hahn Finley!”

She couldn’t help but grin. Of course. She remembered how seriously Hahn had taken blaseball, how she’d always talked about going pro, all the late nights Priya had seen her on the field, hitting balls when she should have been studying. It didn’t feel like long ago that they’d both been playing together on their college team, the Florida Immaterial University Dolphins.

\---

_ “Priya, right?” _ _  
_ _ Priya glanced up to see who was talking to her and found herself blushing. It was a girl - a really cute one - a blaseball bat slung over her shoulder and what looked like pink squid tentacles bundled into a ponytail. _ _  
_ _ “Yeah!” she said, cringing at how high pitched her voice sounded. “Um. That’s me!” _ _  
_ _ The girl smiled, a loose grin that made Priya’s face burn. “Nice to meet you. I’m Hahn - Hahn Finley. Batter. Is this your first practice?” _ _  
_ _ “Yeah, I’m a freshman.” _ _  
_ _ “Well, welcome to the Dolphins! What position?” _ _  
_ _ “Pitcher.” Priya grinned. Despite her nerves, she’d been excited for this practice - real blaseball with a real college team. She’d never been the best pitcher but she loved the joy of playing with people, of working together, the thrill when you won. The rhythm of playing with a team you really understood.  _ _  
_ _ Hahn grinned again. “Sick! We’re gonna have a hit around while we wait for practice to start, you wanna show me what you’ve got?” _ _  
_ _ Priya grabbed her glove and stood up, smiling back. “Of course.” _

\---

Priya brought tickets to a Dale game. She hadn’t watched blaseball in a while, not for any particular reason, just because it had slipped her mind. She wanted to see Hahn though. Wanted to see how far she’d come. Wanted to see if her heart still fluttered in her chest at the sight of her. They were playing the Tigers - or possibly the Sunbeams. Could have been the Breath Mints. Priya wasn’t paying much attention to the other team, just staring at the Dale dugout, waiting to see a flash of pink hair. And then she was there. Far away, but still just as much Hahn as she ever was. Laughing, messing around with her team, spinning her blaseball bat in that infuriating, dangerous, charming way. Then she was up to bat, and her whole body shifted, her whole stance turning into predatory focus. Just the way she used to. Just the way that made Priya’s stomach drop, still. 

\---

_ “Again!” _ _  
_ _ “Hahn.” said Priya, massaging her shoulder and wincing. “My arm hurts, it’s 10pm, can we go in now?” _ _  
_ _ “Shit, Pri, I’m sorry.” said Hahn, running her hand through the tangle of her hair. “Just one more? For good luck?” _ _  
_ _ Priya sighed, but couldn’t stop herself from smiling. “For luck, yeah. One more.” As she wound up she watched as Hahn shifted, rooting her feet, raising her bat. Her eyes would always glare before a pitch, like she was mad at it. Like she needed to show it what she could do. The ball flew through the air and Hahn hit it with a resounding crack, cheering as it flew to the edge of the field.  _ _  
_ _ “Did you see that? Holy shit!” Hahn gave a happy little jump and ran over to the mound, throwing her arm around Priya. “This is why I don’t use a pitching machine - you’re my lucky charm!” _ _  
_ _ “You mean I’m bad.” said Priya, trying to ignore the weight of Hahn’s arm on her shoulder, the twisting feeling in her gut. _ _  
_ _ Hahn just laughed. “You’re perfect for me, that’s all I’m saying.” _

_ “Oh. Um. We should. Uh. Should we pick up the balls?” _ _  
_ _ “Oh shit yeah!” Hahn moved away, jogging off towards where she’d sent her last hit and waving. “You go get some rest Pri, I’ll sort it out! See you tomorrow!” _ _  
_ _ Priya waved back and walked to pick up her stuff, still feeling the warmth where Hahn’s arm had rested on her. Holy shit, she was in deep. Her neatly packed bag was lying next to Hahn’s, with all her stuff scattered around it. As she bent to pick hers up, she noticed the sticker on the other girls phone case. A little rainbow flag. Priya grinned, and then she allowed herself a very small and uncoordinated dance of excitement. It didn’t mean anything. It didn’t  _ mean _ anything. Still - fuck. yes.  _

\---

The game went well for the Dale. They beat the other team, whoever they were. Hahn hit a home run and Priya went wild in the stands, watching as the team picked her up and carried on their shoulders. Then the game was over, and the stands were emptying out, and the teams had vanished into the locker rooms. Hahn was gone. Priya didn’t mind, of course. She hadn’t expected any sort of reunion - just to go watch a game. Just to see Hahn, to see that she was doing well. For old times sake. She didn’t mind. It didn’t matter that she hadn’t got to talk to her. What would she have said anyway? No, this was for the best. Priya shuffled out of the stands with the rest of the fans, glancing at the Dale poster, Hahn’s picture emblazoned on it. Hahn had always been the type to go far - Priya would have been stupid to think she ever could have kept up.

\---

_ Their post season party had been a rager - FIU parties always were. Priya had turned up a bit early and chatted to a few people, but always with an eye on the door. The season was over, soon she’d be going home to her family for the break. She wanted to tell Hahn how she felt. It was eating her up inside, how much she wanted to hold her hand or talk to her or kiss her or see her every single day. And the girl seemed totally oblivious, happy to just keep playing blaseball and hanging out after practice, waving happily when they saw each other across campus. She had to tell her, just in case. _

_ Priya was sober, and the minutes before Hahn turned up seemed to drag on forever. Then she caught that familiar flash of pink across the room and grinned, pushing through the crowd towards her. _ _  
_ _ “Pri!” shouted Hahn over the noise, waving. “Come here I want you to meet someone!” _ _  
_ _ Priya shifted closer, glancing at the girl standing next to Hahn. She was stunning, tall and blonde and beautiful with strong arms and a friendly smile. As much as she didn’t want to, Priya immediately hated her a little bit. _ _  
_ _ “This is my girlfriend, Mia.” said Hahn, grinning. _ _  
_ _ Oh. Now Priya really hated her. She felt sick, like the room with all these people was suddenly too loud and too crowded, like she just needed to get outside and escape. _ _  
_ _ “Nice to meet you Priya!” said Mia, smiling. “I’ve heard a lot about you!” _ _  
_ _ Priya forced a wan smile onto her face. “Nice to meet you too. Um. I gotta go real quick but I’ll see you around, yeah?” _ _  
_ _ Hahn nodded, already pushing off into the crowd, her arm around Mia’s waist. “Yeah, catch you later!” _ _  
_ _ There were so many people in here. So many people Priya had to push through before she was outside, breathing fresh air in shaky gulps, staring up at the sky. What had she expected? Hahn Finley, star hitter of the Dolphins, ridiculously charming, practically famous around campus. Of course she’d have a girlfriend. Of course it wouldn’t be  _ her _. Priya took another deep breath, wiping the tears away from her cheeks, and started the slow walk home. _

\---

It was packed with people outside the stadium, so Priya took a shortcut, going down a side road that led towards her house. She wasn’t really thinking, her head still full of images of Hahn. God she was beautiful when she hit the ball, god she looked good in her Dale uniform. Priya shook her head. This was just a stupid college crush come back to haunt her. She just needed to forget about it - it was stupid of her to have ever come to the game in the fi-

The car nearly hit her, swerving at just the right time. Priya felt cold all over, barely hearing the door open and footsteps running towards her.   
“Shit! Fuck I am so sorry that was so stupid I should have been paying more attention!”   
“No,” said Priya, turning slowly. “God I’m sorry I was out-”   
Hahn Finley. Hahn Finley, just like she used to look, a pastel pink hoodie over bright blue shorts, staring at her, her eyes slowly widening in recognition.   
“ _ Priya? Priya Fox? _ ”   
“H- Hahn!”   
“Oh my god, I haven’t seen you in forever! When was it, end of my sophomore year? Before I moved to MRU?”   
Priya could feel her heart pounding against her chest like it was clawing its way out. “Yeah. Yep. That was- yeah.”   
Hahn grinned, that smile Priya remembered so clearly. “Damn, what a coincidence!” Then her smile slid off her face suddenly and she glanced around, almost furtively. “Look I’m- kind of in the middle of something right now. But actually you could be really helpful, it’s kind of lucky I ran into you. Wanna come with?”   
Priya nodded before she knew what she was doing, but there was never any way she was going to say no. This was Hahn Finley. This was the girl she’d obsessed over, the first girl she could come even close to saying she was in love with. She didn’t like to admit it to herself, but ever since Hahn had ended up moving universities, headhunted by MRU, Priya had kind of thought of her as the one that got away. Not that she’d ever had her in the first place. So she nodded, and went round to the passenger seat and slipped in. Hahn climbed in beside, gave her a grin, and started the car with a loud rev, speeding off down the street.   
“So.” said Priya cautiously. “I see you’re in the Dale now, congratulations!”   
“Yeah! It’s been amazing, they’re an incredible team. I just finished my first game actually - it feels so weird to be actually playing with a ILB team. A long way from the Dolphins, hm?”   
Priya laughed. “Sure is. How - how is Mia?”   
“Who?” said Hahn, glancing over her shoulder at the road behind them. “Mia…. oh! Mia! Jeez I don’t know, we broke up after like a month. I’m impressed you remember her name!”   
“Yeah I’ve uh- got a good memory for names.” Priya cringed internally. Why had she asked that? “So what are you up to? Why the rush?”   
The car sped around a corner, and Hahn glanced behind her again, her fingers drumming on the steering wheel. “Hm? Oh it’s just this stupid th- SHIT!”    
Priya jumped. “What?”   
“Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! Sorry Pri, hold that thought I gotta-” Hahn slammed her foot down on the accelerator, weaving the car through the others on the road, pushing the speed limit. Priya looked behind and saw a car, similar model, that looked like it was speeding up to catch them.   
“Are we in a- fuck!” They went over a bump and Priya hit her head on the top of the roof, wincing.    
Hahn glanced over and grimaced. “I’m so sorry just give me a moment I think I know how to get us out of here.” She spun the steering wheel, sending the car careening off of the main road into a small side street. It was a maze of small roads back here, and Hahn took turn after turn, leaving Priya feeling dizzy. Finally she pulled up outside a small $2 store and froze for a second, staring back along the street. With no sign of the car that had been following them, Hahn breathed a sigh of relief.    
“Pri.” she said, turning and staring at her. Priya shivered a bit - her eyes were prettier than she’d remembered. “I need you to go into that shop and get me something I can hide something small in. Like something innocuous, where you might not look. Please? I’ll pay you back later I promise.”   
Priya nodded, slipping out of the car, her mind going a mile a minute. What the fuck was going on? Was Hahn in a gang? Was this some kind of drug thing? Hahn had never seemed the type to get wrapped up in something dangerous, but you heard stories about the Dale parties. She shouldn’t get involved, she really shouldn’t, but this was Hahn. She’d called her Pri again. She had never been someone Priya had been able to say no to. In a haze, Priya grabbed the first thing she saw and brought it, barely hearing what the cashier said to her. She wandered back out and back into the car where Hahn was waiting, still drumming her fingers nervously on the wheel. There was a moment of silence.   
“ _ Crayons? _ ”   
“What?”   
“You bought- you bought crayons.” Hahn laughed. “To hide something in?”   
Priya looked down and the box in her hands. Oh. So they were. “Um. Noone would suspect crayons?”   
Hahn gave her a soft punch in the arm. “It’s good to see you again Priya, did I say that? Crayons. Fucking hell.” She slipped something from the pocket of her hoodie and into the box, throwing it into the back, but Priya barely noticed. Good to see her again. Hahn was happy to see her again. It was still ringing in her head when the car pulled back out into the street.    
  
They drove for quite a while in silence. Hahn put on some music, some EDM party kind of thing, and sang along under her breath, still glancing in her rear view mirror. Priya just sat there, wondering what the hell was going on, but mostly trying to calm her errant heart down. The streets of Miami slipped along below them, and she was here, in a car, with Hahn Finley, who was happy to see her again. Who may or may not be being chased, possibly by the police. Hahn Finley. A million stupid, overdramatic journal entries she’d written in freshman year ran through her mind. About Hahn and her hair and her hands and her laugh, the way she’d wink at you when she made a terrible joke, the way she would sing so loudly even though she wasn’t very good at it. The way she was so terrible at hiding her emotions because her tentacles would always dance when she was happy, or slump when she was sad, or writhe when she was angry. Priya had told herself she was over her, that it had all happened three years ago, and didn’t even matter. And now she was next to her and her stomach felt like it was falling out and there were birds beating strong wings against her chest and oh god she wasn’t over Hahn at all. Not a bit.

“FUCK!” shouted Hahn, interrupting Priya’s train of thought. She glanced behind them, and saw the car that had been following them at the start. Then in front, at another car parked up, blocking the way. Hahn groaned as the doors opened and three people got out. People Priya…. recognised?   
  


“Got you Hahn!” shouted Raúl, grinning and walking towards them. “You didn’t last very long.”   
Beside him Jenna Maldonado smiled, waving. “Come on, gonna let us search?”   
Hahn sighed, slipping out of the car. “Jeez, I thought I’d do so much better than that! Yeah, have a look, see if you can find it.”   
Priya awkwardly got out, not sure what to do with herself.   
“Oh!” said Hahn. “This is Priya, a friend of mine from college. She lent me a hand.”   
Jenna waved as she came over. “Oh that’s why you did terribly - never let yourself get distracted!”   
Hahn just chuckled while Jenna threw open the car door and started rummaging around inside.   
“Hahn.” whispered Priya. “What is going on?”   
“I didn’t tell you?”   
“No! I thought we were on the run from the cops or something!”   
Hahn’s laugh made all the other players look up, loud and wild. “Holy shit, I’m so sorry, I thought I told you. It’s just some stupid Dale ritual, after your first game you get this little medal thing and you’ve gotta hide it from the others as long as possible. If you make it to midnight you get to keep it and you get some special stuff.”   
Priya raised an eyebrow. “It’s been like. Half an hour since the game ended.”   
“Look! I never said I was going to be good at it!”   
There was an excited shout from behind them and Francisca Sasquatch held up a small medal, grinning. “A box of crayons? Really? The fuck kind of hiding place is that?”   
Hahn scowled, but her tentacles jumped around in the way they always did when she laughed at a joke. “You wouldn’t know! Don’t question our methods!” There was a moment of celebration from the other Dale players and then Hahn cut through it. “I gotta take Priya home, see you guys back at La Fiesta!”   
They slipped back into the car amid raucous hooting and cheers from the Dale.

Hahn paused before she started driving, running her hand through her hair awkwardly. “Gods, Priya, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you.”   
“It’s fine.” said Priya, laughing. “I really shouldn’t have assumed you were on the run from the law.”   
“Hey, what, you think I’m a square?”   
The fifteen minute drive back to Priya’s house went so quickly she barely noticed. They just chatted, and reminisced, and talked about nothing. Then they were pulling up, and Priya had one hand on the door handle when she turned back.   
“Hahn?”   
“Hm?”   
“I was wondering, uh.” Her mouth went dry, struggling to get the words out. “Would you want to- only if you want to, I mean I don’t want to impose, you don’t have to. Anyway. Would you want to grab a drink sometime? Or dinner?”   
Hahn tapped her fingers on the steering wheel. “Like, um. Like a date?”   
“Yeah!” Priya could feel herself blushing, her face red hot. “Yeah. If you want it to be. Sure.”   
“Okay. Yeah, that could be cool.” Hahn shrugged. “If you want.”   
She didn’t sound that excited, but Priya smiled to herself at the sight of her tentacles, dancing and jumping around her head. It might have been a few years, but some things never changed. It was Hahn. It always had been.   
  



	8. Insomnia (Nagomi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor drug and alcohol mentions in this one!

Nagomi shot upright, breathing hard, feeling the sweat drip down her forehead.   
_ That one was bad  _ hissed the Passenger, curling around and wiping a drip of sweat off of her. Her room was quiet and dark, only faint shapes making out the furniture.   
"I know, Passenger. I was there."   
Its eyes flickered and it pulled back, only a few tentacles left curling out of her eye.  
_ Want to talk about it? Your dreams?  
_ "Not particularly."   
She got out of bed gingerly, switching the light on and grabbing her dressing gown. She needed a fucking drink. It was quiet in Sigmund, everyone asleep, just the hissing of water in pipes and the soft padding of her feet on the stone.  
_ "Are you alright, Nagomi?"  
_ Ah. Mostly everyone asleep. There was always one person awake.  
"Yeah Siggy. I'm fine. Just getting a drink."   
There was a slight shifting in the stones around her.  _ "What kind?"  
_ "Hot milk, what the fuck do you think?" The reply snapped past her teeth before she could stop it, and she winced at how harsh it sounded. Sigmund never seemed to mind, but it didn't feel good to lash out.  
A light flickered on in front of her, leading the way to kitchen.  _ "Nagomi, a warning. Someone may already be in the kitchen. Take care of yourself."  
_ Nagomi hunched her shoulders and pushed her way into the kitchen, smelling Miguel before she saw her. Of course. It was Smokehouse night, she'd forgotten. Somewhere in the castle Iggy and the Shoe Thieves were getting high and watching soap operas, and she just had to run into Miguel here.  
Miguel looked up from where he was at the bench, giggling. "Nagomi! Sorry I'm just-" He waved vaguely at the concoction in front of him.  
Nagomi frowned at it. "Banana. Peanut butter. Chocolate chips. Hot sauce?"   
Miguel nodded happily. "A snack! Want some?"   
"Not really. I'm just getting a drink." She stomped her way over the the drinks cupboard, throwing it open, staring at the bottles of liquor.   
Miguel came over, smiling and leaning on the door so that it closed gently in front of her. "Maybe you should have a snack instead."   
"Miguel-"   
"Nagomi. A banana?"   
There was a moment of tense silence, the Passenger waving gently in the space between them.   
"Yeah." said Nagomi finally. "Whatever."   
Miguel handed her a banana, giggling again. "We're watching Friends tonight, you wanna join?"   
She stuffed into her pocket, grimacing at the thought of a night spent with Tillman Henderson, miraculously returned from the dead. "Nah. Thanks though, you have fun."   
Miguel shrugged, waving as she made her way out into the kitchen, back into the hallway, and walked back to her room in blissful silence. The Passenger waved gently as she settled into her bed, red eyes flickering.  
_ You should talk to them  
_ "Yeah." said Nagomi, peeling the banana and tossing the peel blindly into her room, hearing a faint noise as it landed. "Because that worked so fucking well last time."   
_ They want to help you. We want to help you  
_ Nagomi handed it a piece of banana, watching as it chewed it in a small mouth, appearing on the side of a tentacle.   
"I don't want anyone's help."  
_ Do you need it?  
_ "Shut up, demon."   
_ You know I won't  
_ "I'm going to sleep." Nagomi ate the last of her banana, lying back in her bed. There were a few minutes of silence, the darkness taking on formless shapes against the ceiling.   
The Passenger's eyes flickered into sight around her.  _ You need to close your eyes to sleep, Nagomi  
_ Her reply felt like it was catching in her throat. It was so hard to say it, to bare that part of her soul to someone, even the person who shared every moment of her life. To take another brick out of the wall keeping them out.   
"I'm scared."   
It echoed through the dark room. Nagomi felt the Passenger run a tentacle through her hair gently.  _ What of?  
_ "Of seeing them die again."  
_ I'll be there with you  
_ "You were the first time."   
The Passenger pulled itself smaller, and she felt a flash of guilt. That had been mean. Still, that didn't make it false.  
_ Is there anything I can say that will help?  
_ Nagomi twisted her fingers into her blankets, shaking her head.   
_ I'll be here. I'll wake you if you need it. You know, if you need a dreamless sleep, I can knock you the fuck out  
_ She laughed sourly. "Might need to try that eventually. I'm going to give it my best shot though. Goodnight."   
_ Goodnight, Nagomi  
_ For a long time she lay awake, watching those shapes in the darkness shift and change, watching the little spots of light that danced in front of her eyes. She slipped into sleep without noticing, and when she woke up an hour later, hissing with fear, the Passenger was there, slipping into a cocoon around her, lulling her back to sleep. Just as it did every night, multiple times, ever since the Season 4 elections. Ever since the first time she'd dreamed of her friends' deaths.


	9. Rootbound (Eugenia, Iggy)

Igneus Delacruz is all long legs and flickering flame but when he first visits Bickle's greenhouse he sneaks in like a whipped dog, folded smaller than he should be. Eugenia is doing odd jobs, still in that early stage of setting up her gardens, experiments unlabelled and plants in pots too small for them, trying to keep on top of all the things that need doing.  
"Iggy." she says, and her voice has an undercurrent of some tension, a contagion from his haunted posture.  
"Eugenia." they reply, twisting their hands together in front of them. "Can we talk?"  
Bickle puts down the shears she was holding, sighing to leave a job unfinished. Still. She knows enough about wilted plants to see that Iggy needs help.  
"Tea?"  
"Please."  
  
He follows her through into the small room at the back of her house, with the little hot water tap and the nice table, and the open windows streaming with sun. There are a few things she found here when she arrived that she has chosen to keep, and the tea room is one of them. For a few minutes she potters around, enjoying the calming ritual of making tea, while Iggy sits down in a chair, at once both too large for the room, and so small and defeated looking. She can taste the sharpness of his flame on her tongue, in the air, and it tastes foreign, and frightening, and sad.  
"Biscuits?"  
They shake their head, so Eugenia brings the pot over and sets it down, handing him a cup and sitting back in her seat. "What's going on?"  
He takes a moment, pouring tea into his cup and taking a sip, running his fingers along the porcelain handle. When he speaks his voice pours out of him like treacle, thick and slow and dark. "How are you dealing with it all? With the- with coming here?"  
It has been a month since she found herself here, in this universe, with a team she almost yet didn't quite recognise, with a house that didn't feel like hers, and a world that left her dizzy with its minor differences. A month since the same thing happened to Iggy. "I'm working on it. Renovating this place, setting up the greenhouses, sending all the other woman's stuff to the second hand stores. And she had a ton of it, I'll tell you that."  
Iggy frowns, takes another small sip of tea. "You threw it out?"  
"Didn't you?"  
"I didn't-" His fingers tap a rapid beat on the table, staccato and anxious. "It seemed disrespectful. Wrong, to throw all of my things out."  
Now it is Bickle's turn to frown. "They're not your things. They're someone else's. Why should you keep them?"  
"They're- well. They're not mine, sure, but. It's not someone else. It's me."

Bickle never let herself think of the other woman as her. She decided as soon as she got here that she would carve a circle around herself, a boundary that said that this was her, the only her, nothing to do with whoever had come before. She wasn't a cutting, or some mutated clone of some previous plant. She was her own, needed her own place, to pull herself free of the tangled roots of whoever had lived there before. Iggy hadn't done that. Eugenia had seen him, playing at being married, asking all sorts of questions about the Igneus that used to be here. Living in his house, wearing his clothes, using his bat. Filling the hole they'd left, tangling themselves down into the roots that had already been there. Lots of competition for water and nutrients, when you got tangled like that. Not much room for growth.  
"Maybe you shouldn't- maybe you should distance yourself, a bit. It would make it easier, I think."  
"It is easy." He replies quickly.  
Eugenia sighs, swirling the last of her tea in her cup. "Then why are you here?"  
Iggy doesn't say anything for a while, then. Just sits in that folded way and taps their fingers on the table and feels a bit like a ghost, haunting her tea room. A ghost of someone else. Insubstantial.  
"It feels weird." They say finally, looking up and meeting her eyes for the first time. "Filling someone else's shoes like this. How am I expected to? To be this person everyone thinks I should be, but I'm not?"  
She shrugs. "Just don't be. Choose not to. You don't have to be him."  
When the reply comes it's so soft she almost misses it, hidden in crackling flame. "But I want to be."  
Eugenia stands up, taking his cup and whisking it away. "Then you'll just have to accept always living in someone else's shadow."  
She's happy when Iggy takes it as the sign it is, that it's time for him to leave, and stands up slowly. He looks like he's about to say something and then closes his mouth, just giving her a quick nod and walking out, still hunched over, folded in, smaller than he should be. She can't help him, even though she wishes she could. He's going to have to figure this one out for himself.

Eugenia finishes washing the pot, and the cups, and makes her way back out into the greenhouse, picking up her shears, then putting them back down with a small click. Today, she can't quite bring herself to do any pruning. Just for a day, at least, she'll let this plant grow where it wants.


	10. Hunch (Nagomi, Margarito)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love these 'cousins' so much, even if they're both messes. Some v minor non-maincord appropriate language in this one!

“Oh.” said Nagomi, when she found Margo sitting outside of her room, scrolling on xir phone.  
“Sup, cuz.”   
Nagomi raised an eyebrow, pushing her door open as Margo stood up. “What are you doing here?”   
Margo’s chuckle was barely audible. “Nice to see you too.”   
There was a sibilant whisper as they went into Nagomi’s room, a hiss of dry darkness that might have been _Hello, Margo_ . Gomi rolled her eye a little, throwing her bag onto her bed and taking a seat, waving vaguely at the armchair opposite her. Margo sat down, running an appreciative hand over dark embroidery. It had been a long time since xe had been in Nagomi’s room, and a lot was new.   
“Nice chair.” xe said, grinning.   
“Yeah. Gift from Siggy. Found it in one of their basements. Why are you here?”   
Margo shrugged. “I was in the area. You know Iggy? Delacruz?”   
“He’s my teammate, of course I know him. Why?”   
“We went on a date.”   
Nagomi laughed a little, running a hand through her hair, showing a flash of black on the left of her face, a few glowing red eyes. “You too?”   
Margo rolled xir eyes. “Me too. It was nice! Really nice, but... he’s not interested.” Xe fiddled with a beaded bracelet around xir wrist, the clacking sound loud in Nagomi’s quiet room. “Again.”   
“You feeling sorry for yourself?”   
“No!” Margo flipped her off, an almost instinctive reaction, just like xe would have when they were teenagers. “Never. I just wish- you know. Sometimes I just wish it could work out for me. Once. I wish I could find someone.”   
“I don’t know.” said Nagomi, standing and wandering her way over to a small drawer in her cupboard, rummaging around in it. “You want chips?”   
Margo nodded, catching the bag when it was tossed xir way. “Sorry. I f- I didn’t think about it.”   
“People don’t. I get it though. Shit hasn’t worked out for you, huh? Not how you saw things going?” Nagomi bit into a chip, crunching loudly. “Why did you come to me?”   
“Don’t eat with your mouth open, Gomi. Look, I just thought we were due a visit. Like I said, I was in the area.”   
Nagomi cocked her head, her visible eye boring into Margo’s. “You want me to tell you it doesn’t matter? That a life without romance is fine?”   
“That’s not why I’m here, Gomi. We can hang out without an ulterior motive.”   
Nagomi sighed. They didn’t see each other very often, an atrophy of their relationship that both of them had let happen. At games, the occasional text conversation. Not much more. Their relationship was useful, sometimes. That, for Nagomi, was about as far as it went. Maybe it could have been more, if she put the effort in. She had never been very good at that - she was trying to be better. Maybe soon she would lose the cynical part of herself that didn’t believe this could just be a visit.   
“Well, I can tell you it’s okay to want love. I don’t need it, I don’t want it, doesn’t mean nobody does. It’s okay to be sad you haven’t found anyone, Margo. It’s okay to want something.” She ate another chip, careful to keep her mouth closed this time.   
Margo gave her an appraising look, tinged with a little sadness. “I just- yeah. You’re alright at advice, you know. For someone-” Xe stopped talking, laughing a little.   
“You can say it. For someone with a life that is as much of a shitshow as mine? Must run in the family, hm?”   
“Ha, yeah, sure.”   
“I have help, anyway.” Nagomi’s hair shifted like it sometimes did, a flash of red eye peeking through the black. She stood up suddenly, her smile smothered, forcing tension back into her relaxed body. “I’m pretty busy today.”   
Margo frowned, getting the hint, obviously disappointed to be cut short. “I get it. I’ll get out of your hair.” Xe wandered to the door, pausing before xe stepped back out into Sigmund. “Thanks. For the chips, or whatever.”   
Nagomi nodded, waving a small goodbye. “No worries. Just- yeah. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to be sad, you know?” She twisted her hands together. “I’ll see you- when I see you.”   
“Yeah. See you around.”

  
The door clicked closed behind Margo and Nagomi sighed, tilting her head back, feeling a twist in her chest that she didn’t want to acknowledge. It had been nice of Margo to visit, nice to make the effort, and as always she felt guilty at how hard it was for her to relax into it.  
 _That was good advice._ _  
_ “Yeah, whatever.” murmured Nagomi. “I just hope xe takes it.”   
_Not likely. You are related, after all. For example, I have some advice you won’t take._ _  
_ “Mm?”   
A shadowy tendril wept from the side of her face, swivelling around to face her, a single red eye blinking into view. _Next time, let Margo stay. Xe is trying._ _  
_ “So am I.” muttered Nagomi, throwing herself back on her bed and picking up her book.   
_Try harder._ _  
_ “Dick.”   
_I mean it. You don’t have to shut people out anymore. You never did._ _  
_ Nagomi lay for a minute, running a tendril of hair through her fingers, watching the Passenger’s shadowy form writhe. Finally she pulled out her phone, quickly typing out a text to Margo. “There you go!” she said, holding it up to show Passenger. “Asked xem to come round to the cafe sometime. That make you happy?”   
_Doesn’t matter if it makes me happy._ replied the Passenger, curling back into her face. _This is about you. Letting people love you._ _  
_ Nagomi swatted at it. “You’re really annoying, you know that?”   
Still, she knew it was right. She didn’t have a secret anymore, she didn’t have a reason to force people out. It was habit, just muscle memory, and Margo deserved more than habit. They both did. She lay back down, looking around at her room’s bare walls. They needed more pictures. Of her friends. Of her family. One step at a time. _  
_   
  
  
  
  



End file.
